by Justin Mckibben | Jul 5, 2017 | Addiction, Addiction Stigma, Family, Parenting, Teen Drug Abuse
I’ve decided to touch on something that means more to me than there are words to describe it.
That is, my mom.
To me, the word mom is synonymous with every great quality I’ve ever known or could hope to have. My mother is fiercely loyal, devoted and courageous. She is also the most compassionate, considerate and loving person I know. She sacrificed all to give me a chance at having a full and amazing life, and she continues to do so. My mother gives her life to nurturing the ones she loves spiritually, mentoring me emotionally, and ensuring that I know, even when I did not believe in myself, that someone does.
Recently I was faced with a conversation about mothers and I was suddenly startled at a realization; in my addiction I put my mother through so much more than I ever gave credit, and she was still my hero. There is something to be said about the way a mom will care acutely and unconditionally, and my mom is a champion of the heart. I think it gives me even more reason to talk about this.
Sharing the Burden
Of course a mother is intrinsically protective. The lioness guards her cubs with ferocity; passionately committed to safeguarding her child. Of course we all become handfuls sooner rather than later, but thankfully mom is always there, trying to keep us alive and in check. My mom poured her heart into trying to teach me to be a man of integrity. So naturally, when I fell, her heart sank with me.
I will never forget having to tell my mom I was going back to drug rehab for the second time in a year. It was not the first time we had cried together, but it was different. The pain and fear in her face, the look of resignation and acceptance. That was all hard enough, but her words made it so much harder. She said:
“What didn’t I do right? Why have I failed my only son?”
She wasn’t asking me, she was praying out loud. It broke me. Even now, almost 4 years sober, reading those words makes my chest heavy. Those words really emphasize the idea that many parents of addicts will try and take responsibility for their children’s addictions.
Many parents have a habit of trying to carry the weight of their children’s burdens for them. They see their kids as reflections of themselves and their own actions. Just as they delight in the child’s every success, not matter how trivial it may seem, they also embrace the pain of their child’s mistakes. Thus, they frequently try to shoulder some of the accountability. They ask things like,
What if I had showed them more affection?
Was I too affectionate?
What if I was too tough?
Was I not tough enough?
How could I have done better?
When a child gets in trouble, or even sometimes when they become very sick, some parents want to assume responsibility for it all. They take on guilt and blame that doesn’t necessarily belong to them. I was both sick and in a world of trouble and my mom didn’t want me to do it alone.
My mom always believed in sharing the burden with anything I struggled through. She was trying to take as much of it as she could because she could see how hopeless I really was. My mom did not yell at me or ridicule me; she just wanted to protect me… even from myself. After years of hiding the truth and taking advantage of the kindness of her and my family, she never stopped trying to keep me safe.
Placing the Blame
Some might say (and I’m sure a few of my aunts and uncles do) that my mother would defend me to a fault. At first she wanted to believe it was the people I hung out with and the things they convinced me to do. Then, her focus turned on her. I could read it on her face; running through the last 24 years trying to figure out what had gone wrong and how she could have stopped it… asking herself if she might still be able to say something that fixed it.
Sure, there is some rationale to the concept that childhood trauma and emotional baggage can contribute to stress and depression, which can help inspire or influence substance abuse. But these factors are not guarantees or requirements. Neither are they the whole picture.
To put it simply… blaming a parent for a child’s addiction is like blaming a stop sign for speeding ticket.
In co-dependent relationships parents and children tend to get so used to sharing the burden that the blame naturally comes with it. Part of being a parent of someone recovering from addiction means you will eventually need to become comfortable with setting boundaries. For the co-dependent parent/child this can be an incredibly difficult thing to do, but in the long run it can alleviate unjustified guilt.
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And as much as my mom wanted to protect me, love me and save me… it wasn’t her responsibility to fix me either.
Never Your Fault
This is important for ALL parents who end up in this position to understand- your child’s addiction is NEVER your fault.
People do not become addicts because their home life was tough. We don’t become addicts because we think we are unappreciated, unloved or just misunderstood. There is a lot more to how people become addicted than their relationships with their parents, and it’s not just the drugs. Addiction is not something we decide to have; it is something that happens with the right combination of genetics, environment and repeated behaviors.
A parent may provide their child with the greatest of all privileges, opportunities and support, but that doesn’t guarantee they won’t become addicted to substances. Kids can also grow up in a broken home with addicted parents and never use drugs in their lives. You could teach your kids very empowering and stable values, but it doesn’t mean that they have a 0% chance of ever trying something that might change them.
The science of addiction credits a genetic predisposition that combines with a specific environment and a specific set of behaviors. It is a perfect storm that is unpredictable in many ways, because the specific ingredients of the addiction formula are exclusively unique to each individual. It isn’t anyone’s fault, and it definitely isn’t a parents.
Dear Mom
To my mom…
Your love is the thing that kept me alive long enough to get here, so you should never question whether or not it was good enough. The problem wasn’t where I grew up, or the friends I had, and it definitely wasn’t how you raised me.
I was looking for a piece of myself I hadn’t had time to grow into. It was the piece I didn’t know how to look for in a healthy way, but you could not show me because no one can teach us but ourselves. Maybe the experience of looking itself is actually how we find it. Drugs and alcohol were a distraction from not having the answer to a much deeper question.
Mom, every loving and kind part of me came from you. You are one of the most powerful and influential women in my life. Still, the truth is my addiction was never up to you. I don’t say this to undermine your impact as a mother; it is to remind you that we are individuals, and that you have always done the best you could through every adversity. One day I pray I can be half the parent you are. I love you, and I only know what love truly means because of you.
To all mothers of addicts…
You are some of the most courageous and powerful women on the planet. It comes with the territory of bringing life into the world I guess. I can’t tell you how many other momma’s boys and mini-moms I’ve met in the recovery community. Even if your child is still struggling, always remember your strength and compassion. Always remember it is not your fault. You are amazing, and we are better because of you. Don’t give up.
Having a family member who has suffered can be harder on you than you know. Too many people don’t know how to get the help they need for their loved ones, and too many of our loved ones suffer for too long because they are afraid of the affects that the ones they care about most will face. If you or someone you love is struggling, please call toll-free now.
CALL NOW 1-888-922-5398
by Justin Mckibben | Jun 13, 2017 | Addiction, Addiction Stigma, Addiction Treatment, Detox, Drug Abuse, Heroin, Opioids, Parenting
Recently I came across an article with a title essentially warning people not to send their family members to Florida for drug and alcohol treatment. The interviews argue that high rates of overdose should justify officials urging people in other states not to send their kids to treatment in the area. However, the article also acknowledges that “South Florida has long been a destination for world-class addiction treatment” and includes a quote from Palm Beach County League of Cities member Andy Amoroso stating:
“Stop sending your children and your loved ones to South Florida,”
I think there is a real problem with this kind of statement though…
It ignores the fact that most people looking for recovery come from states with much worse issues of overdose crisis than South Florida.
To be clear, Florida has seen a spike in drug related issues, but guess what… so has basically everywhere in America! We are in the midst of a drug overdose epidemic all across this nation.
For example, let’s talk about where I came from. In 2014 I wrote about how my home state of Ohio led the nation in opioid overdose deaths. Ohio now also has the highest rates of heroin related deaths.
1 out of every 9 heroin deaths… happens in Ohio!
Dayton, Ohio is number 1 in the country by many reports for drug overdoses. Today, Dayton is quickly becoming known as the heroin capitol of America.
I have lived in Florida for around 4 years after coming to Delray Beach to get sober. I am an active member of a vast recovery community in the Palm Beach County area, and I would never have gotten the chance to do all the amazing and life changing work I am privileged to do if no one had sent me to South Florida to get help. In all likelihood, I would be dead.
Crunching the Country’s Overdose Numbers
There is no denying that Florida is typically in the top 5 rankings when it comes to total overdose numbers. However, there should also be some context to really show the difference between how other states are being affected. To get a little perspective, I want to run down some numbers.
The Henry J. Kaiser Family Foundation compiled data from every state in order to show some details on the opioid overdose crisis. In those numbers they discovered the top 3 states in opioid overdose deaths for 2014 were:
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Ohio- 2,106 opioid overdoses- which was 7.4% of nationwide deaths
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California- 2,024 deaths
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New York- 1,739 deaths
Out of 10,584 nationwide heroin related deaths in 2014, 1,208 were in Ohio. That is 11.4% of the countries heroin deaths in a state with a population a fraction of the size of California’s, New York’s and Florida’s.
In 2015 the top 3 states for overall overdoses were:
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California- 4,659
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Ohio- 3,310
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Pennsylvania- 3,264
In 2015 Ohio’s overdose death rates jumped again to 3,310. In 2016 those numbers are again expected to have skyrocketed to well over 4,000.
While we should acknowledge that the entire state of Florida had around 3,228 overall overdose deaths in 2015, Florida actually had less deaths per 100,000 people compared to 23 other states! These numbers include the top 5:
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West Virginia- 41.5 per 100,000 people
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New Hampshire- 34.3 per 100,000 people
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Kentucky- 29.9 per 100,000 people
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Ohio- 29.9 per 100,000 people
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Rhode Island- 28.2 per 100,000 people
As well as:
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Michigan
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Massachusetts
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Tennessee
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Maryland
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Indiana
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Louisiana
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Connecticut
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Oklahoma
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New Mexico
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Nevada
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Arizona
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Utah
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Maine
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Delaware
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Missouri
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Vermont
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Wyoming
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New Jersey
So while Florida may be experiencing high rates of overdose, we need to see that dozens of states are seeing a much higher percent of their population be killed by drugs. Some states have less than half the population Florida does, but are still suffering with tragically high percentages of their population dying from overdose. Those people who want help deserve access to that same “world-class addiction treatment” that South Florida has to offer. For several years, countless families across the U.S. have suffered while the resources and the community in South Florida has helped to save thousands of men and women who needed a little hope and a second chance.
Prescription Drug Problem
In the Midwest, the problem with prescription drug abuse is an extremely distressing element of the opioid crisis. In 12 states, the number of opioid painkiller prescriptions actually exceeds the number of residents living in those states! This includes:
Out of the 1.3 million people living in this state, there were 13 million doses of opioids dispensed in a 3 month period!
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West Virginia
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Oklahoma
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Arkansas
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Louisiana
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Alabama
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Tennessee
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Mississippi
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South Carolina
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Kentucky
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Michigan
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Ohio
Just in case you haven’t seen the news in the past few years, prescription drugs have been one of the largest contributing factors to the current opioid epidemic and the rise in heroin addiction.
Real Resources
The reality is professional and effective treatment programs in South Florida save the lives of countless people from all over the United States. The positive impact on the world is immeasurable. The reason so many people travel here for treatment is not just the fact that there are beaches and sun in Florida (Although they are amazing). They travel because so many of the states being hit the hardest by the opioid epidemic are states that have limited resources when it comes to comprehensive drug addiction treatment.
We aren’t traveling here to bring drugs Florida had never heard of before. We’re trying to escape the familiar and fatal atmosphere we were stuck in for so long. We take this drastic step in a desperate time because we want to believe the help is out there.
Some would still argue that a large number of treatment centers creates a problem with corruption within the industry itself. One can’t argue with some of the stories we read, but if that’s the case maybe instead of turning people away we should be educating people on the most important things to look for in a legitimate treatment program. We should encourage families to seek out qualified and established addiction specialists. Instead of insisting they shouldn’t trust the industry; we should be telling them to look for the accredited addiction specialists who have earned a respected reputation through their record in service and their certifications. Let’s celebrate the treatment providers who do make a difference instead of signing on for whole-sale condemnation.
At the very least, lets teach them to make sure a treatment facility in South Florida is approved by:
The Joint Commission is a United States-based nonprofit organization that accredits more than 21,000 health care organizations and programs in the U.S.
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Florida Department of Children and Families (DCF)
The DCF is a state agency providing social services to children, adults, refugees, domestic violence victims and a number of other groups.
To learn more about how to find an accredited and effective treatment program, download our FREE e-book
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No matter where we live we should never turn people away from our community for help. We should provide a platform for awareness. It is critical that addicts and their families know what makes effective treatment programs important. Florida should always be proud of the strength of its recovery community.
We are in this together
Accurate and detailed data for overdose death rates 2016 is not yet available. Yet it is estimated that almost 60,000 Americans died last year from drug overdose. Some experts say over 2 million Americans are suspected to be opioid dependent currently, and that overdose death rates in 2017 are only going to get worse.
Of course, it is understandable that people are concerned about the strain that addiction and overdose puts on their communities, but there is something we cannot, as Americans, forget… we are in this together. In the article I mentioned previously, one of the individuals quoted spoke of people struggling with addiction like we are all inconvenient intruders who have no place in their neighborhood. Thankfully, this is not the experience many of us live with.
I have to say it again… We are in this together.
We are all citizens of the same free country fighting the same fight. Even more important, we are all human beings. Every one of us is free to seek something that can save us. I often believe I would have never had this chance if I had not come to South Florida. I didn’t know what was possible… and thankfully nobody told me not to come looking for it. Nobody told me I wasn’t welcome.
This isn’t just about South Florida; any community with addiction treatment programs and a recovery community should know, we get it. We understand how it can seem a little scary when you think your neighborhood is changing. It’s easier to say “as long as it’s happening over there” until “over there” becomes everywhere.
At the height of the opioid epidemic in America, it is certainly not the time to hide the welcome mat and use fear to scare people away. It is time to make our voices louder and unify the recovery community to show more people that recovery is possible. Until more treatment opportunities are advocated for across the country, we will use every resources we have to preserve and protect the lives of those who are suffering. South Florida is still a great place for addiction treatment. If no one has told you yet, you are welcome here!
Palm Healthcare Company has been serving the South Florida community for 20 years, now with multiple specialized facilities and innovative holistic treatment programs designed to help create lasting change. If you or someone you love is struggling with substance abuse or addiction, please call now. We want to help. You are not alone.
CALL NOW 1-888-922-5398
by Justin Mckibben | Jun 6, 2017 | Addiction Stigma, Family, Parenting, Stigma, Teen Drug Abuse
(This content is being used for illustrative purposes only; any person depicted in the content is a model)
Having a family member or loved one struggling with drugs or alcohol is an incredibly tough place to be. For parents, it can be one of the most emotionally difficult experiences. Having a child who is using drugs or alcohol can be terrifying, but it can also cause a lot of internal conflict and self-doubt. Loved ones frequently find themselves looking for answers to questions they never knew to ask, and wondering how they can help make a difference. The parents of addicts have to face a lot of unique and intimate obstacles, but there are some very important things to remember when facing this painful situation.
To learn more about how to handle the difficult emotions and situations parents and family members face with an addicted loved one, download our FREE e-book
“What is the Difference Between Helping and Hurting”
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Here are 5 things we want the parents of addicts to know.
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You are not alone
When struggling with something as personal and as frightening as having an addicted child, people can feel separate from others. Many parents feel guilty, ashamed or embarrassed when their child is struggling with substance use disorder. This embarrassment or shame can lead to feelings of isolation.
The truth is there are countless families all across the nation going through the same thing. You are not alone. There are support groups specifically for the families and loved ones of addicts, and large networks of people seeking to provide information and support to parents of addicts who don’t know what to do or how to help.
In the face of the opioid epidemic in America, thousands of families have stepped up to advocate for better resources to educate the public about the dangers of addiction, and for better treatment opportunities. Nationwide organizations created by the parents of addicts fight to raise awareness, while treatment providers put an emphasis on the family being active in the recovery process.
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It is not your fault
Of course parents take responsibility for their children, because it is their duty when they are born to protect them, raise them and help them grow to their potential. So it is no surprise that parents of addicts so often blame themselves for what their child is going through.
Many ask- what if I had been better? Should I have been more (or less) strict? Should I have been more (or less) affectionate? Parents of addicts can beat themselves up very easily with wondering what if, but the truth is it is not your fault.
Yes, many experts say there is a genetic predisposition, but everyone has one. It isn’t your genes, it’s a combination of unique DNA and unique circumstances. Yes, the environment matters, but again there is no one-size-fits-all formula to substance use disorder. People of all walks of life, in every neighborhood and from every kind of home suffer from addiction. Therefore, there is no exact parenting technique that can guarantee a child will never become addicted.
Most parents of addicts are the greatest version of a parent they possibly can be, but addiction does not discriminate. Helping more parents and family members to see this is another way we can overcome the stigma of addiction.
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You can help overcome stigma
A lot of that shame and isolation we talked about above stems from the stigma of addiction. Some people still think substance use disorder is a moral failing or character flaw. They believe becoming addicted is a choice people made, not an illness people suffer from. This stigma makes people afraid to be open with others about their child’s addiction, which cuts them off from peer support.
It is important for the parents of addicts to help destroy the old stigmas that give people a false idea of what addiction really is. Parents have the power to share their experience, strength and stories of hope from a unique perspective. Addiction is one of the most misunderstood diseases in modern times, but the more parents of addicts share their stories, more awareness and understanding can help create innovations in treatment.
By being open about the difficulties your child has faced instead of hiding from it, not only can you be a warning to other families, but you can also empower them to understand that they too are not alone. Parents have a unique potential to stand up for their children and for each other to overcome stigma.
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You have to take care of yourself
As a parent, it is absolutely understandable that your instincts tell you to put your own health and well-being after that of your child. But the reality is that if you are physically and emotionally exhausted, stressed out and unhealthy then there is no way you can provide the kind of help and support your child needs. You cannot be useful to anyone, especially your child, if you have not taken care of yourself.
If the parents of addicts can prioritize their own well-being, then they have the energy and resources to be more present and helpful to their addicted child. Allowing yourself to be as well as possible is not neglecting your loved one, it is preparing you for the opportunity to make a difference in their life.
This includes setting boundaries with your children, and being honest with them about what you are going through under these circumstances. It is not always easy, but it does matter.
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We want to help!
At Palm Healthcare we want to make a difference in the lives of individuals and families who are struggling with drug or alcohol abuse and addiction. We believe in holistic healing as a stepping stone to real, lasting recovery. Palm Healthcare Company believes in the importance of uniting the parents, children, siblings and loved ones in the cause of progressive action toward amazing solutions that can not only save lives, but change them forever. For several years our facilities have worked to transform the lives of addicts and those closest to them.
Our Family Program is uniquely designed with healing for you and your loved one in mind. The Family Program focuses on improving communication, compassion, understanding and the overall support and of the entire family. We encourage all parents of addicts to research the Palm Healthcare Company Family Program and reach out to us with any questions.
Addiction doesn’t just affect the person who is drinking or drugging, it affects all those that are close to that person. Emotionally, physically, financially, the toll can be significant. If you or someone you love is struggling with substance abuse or addiction, please call toll-free now.
CALL NOW 1-888-922-5398
by Justin Mckibben | Jun 1, 2017 | Addiction Treatment, Detox, Family, Parenting, Teen Drug Abuse
(This content is being used for illustrative purposes only; any person depicted in the content is a model)
For parents, one of the most difficult decisions can come when your child is struggling with drug abuse or alcohol abuse. You may end up looking desperately for answers that are not as cut and dry as we would hope. Part of you may want to force your child to get treatment, even if they are in denial of their substance use or just refuse to accept help. So you ask- can I make my child go to rehab?
Can I Make My Child Go to Rehab: Trouble with Teens
Because underage children cannot begin to understand just how much drugs or alcohol can impact their futures, and their health, they are the people most likely to resist getting help. Teenagers are also less likely to have control over their impulsive behaviors because their brains are still not fully developed.
Of course if your child is a minor, it is possible to make them go. Legally, anyone under the age of 18 years old can actually be placed into a residential drug treatment facility without their consent. In the United States, if the child’s parent or legal guardian has custody and a right to protect the child, then they are able to take some extreme action if needed.
However, while it is legal, the bigger question may become should you make your child go to rehab? Is this the most effective way?
Can I Make My Child Go to Rehab: Adult Children
But what if your child is not a minor?
Well, it is still possible to force one of your adult children into treatment in some states. In a few states across America there are laws that allow family members to legitimately force addicts into rehab. In some states where these laws don’t already exist there are movements to push for such legislation. However, making an adult child go to treatment is not just picking a place, grabbing the person and dropping them off. With trying to make an adult get treatment, there is more of a process.
For example, in the state of Florida there is a law called the Marchman Act. This is one of the more progressive laws in America regarding drug and alcohol rehab.
The Marchman Act requires that in order to petition for an addict to be involuntarily admitted to treatment, there has to be present either:
- A spouse
- A relative
- In the absence of family members, three people who have direct contact and understanding of the addict’s condition
Whoever the petitioners, the individuals must be able to provide proof that the individual has lost control and that are likely to harm themselves or someone else. The state you live in may have different stipulations for involuntary commitment to a drug or alcohol treatment facility.
Can I Make My Child Go to Rehab: Intervention
One way people will decide to try and make their child go to drug treatment is by staging an intervention. Sometimes this is done with a professional intervention specialist, and other times it is something organized by the family and loved ones of the individual. In this context, some parents or loved ones may try to blackmail or bribe the individual into getting help.
The term ‘tough love’ is thrown around a lot in situations like this, but while it is important to set boundaries with loved ones, having a more compassionate and supportive approach is often much more effective when trying to actually help a loved one or child to end their suffering.
Communication is key. Having an understanding of what a loved one is going through and what the risks are is crucial to having a constructive and helpful conversation about addiction and getting treatment.
Can I Make My Child Go to Rehab: Should I Try?
After looking at your options, the more pressing question becomes- should I make my child go to rehab?
Of course there is no one-size-fits-all answer for this, but there are those who would suggest involuntary treatment is not as effective as voluntary treatment. Many would argue that recovery requires a real effort, and that someone who does not want to get clean will not succeed.
Others will refute this, and say there is no reason to believe that just because someone does not want to go to treatment doesn’t mean it won’t work. Courts will still sometimes mandate drug treatment in some form, and many people have attended rehab or went to recovery support groups and gotten clean and sober without an initial desire to do so. Also, some would rather their child be institutionalized in some way to keep them off the streets, regardless of what they want.
It is completely understandable for a parent to try to do everything in their power to get your child the help they desperately need. At the same time, it may be important to show compassion, support and have a direct and open conversation before trying to force someone into treatment. The reality is, if they have a bad experience they may never try again. Make sure to be honest and comprehensive, while also setting firm boundaries.
Addiction is a family disease. To learn more about setting healthy boundaries, download our FREE GIFT of a checklist to help decipher if you are helping or hurting a loved one who is struggling with addiction.
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Forcing your child to go to rehab may not be the best way to get them help, but it can save them, if only briefly. Ultimately, finding a safe and effective treatment program creates the opportunity for lasting change and growth. If you or someone you love is struggling, please call toll-free now. We all need a little help sometimes, and Palm Healthcare Company wants to help you.
CALL NOW 1-888-922-5398
